Intention

Intention
Image: Cassidy Lancaster

Hi again, it’s me. I spoke with the Pastor Meadow again. I wasn’t really sure I was doing this right: you know praying … she told me to think of it more like talking or having a conversation. I thought that was funny, but it sort of made sense after she explained it. She said that I could imagine talking to my safest person, the one who I could tell anything to. She said I wouldn’t get in trouble. I had to think about it – I think she knew I was. It was quiet awhile, then she asked me what I was – you know – kind of thinking about.

I was a little scared at first – I told her that. She just smiled, not in a I ‘did-something-stupid’ sort of way, more like everything-will-be-okay sort of way. So I took a deep breath and told her that if I talked to you it would feel sort of weird to like ask you for stuff. I mean you can ask your friends to play or trade, but if you just want something, they really don’t stay your friend too long, you know?

She kept smiling and then asked me what it was that I want to happen if I asked you for something, she said what’s my ‘intent?’ I wasn’t real sure what that meant, but then she said when we ask for something there’s usually something we want to happen. Like if I want that park down the street fixed, maybe I want to have fun or play. Or if I feel really sick – like with the flu – what I want if ask to be better, is I want to feel good again. I think I got it. Then she said something about if we know what we want to happen, then sometimes talking to you can help us figure out how we might be able to do it. And – if there’s no way to fix something – maybe how to still have fun, even if things aren’t really shiny. I said like brainstorming! She smiled and nodded …

Okay, so what I want to talk to you about is my parents. They’re usually pretty great, but the last little while has sucked … oh sorry, can I say that? I guess so, if not sorry again: just remembering gets me … angry? Maybe that’s the word?

Lock out

Lock out
Image: Vassilis

It’s it in my belly and eyes when they yell. They’ve been doing that a lot … mostly because the jobs are gone … crap the whole factory is gone. I don’t understand how that’s possible – how’s a factory just close and stop making stuff? What about people like my folks? You know, it’s not fair! And yeah that’s mostly what they’ve been yelling about, though I am not sure they hear each other and then it just happened …

Sorry – I don’t usually cry … okay yeah I do, but I try not to let them see. I’m not sure who hit who, but one of them did and then the other one did. It got really quiet. When I came out of my room they both just looked at me. They were so … white? I think pale – yeah pale, right?

I had really bad thoughts then, like really bad. About hurting them, about running away, about saying the bad things in my head at them … I guess I want to hurt them … you know so I would feel better? I think I am still having them …

So, I’m locked in my room now and I don’t want to let them in. But I do … I wish you could make it better, but I don’t think you can … and if the Pastor’s right … well what I want is everything to be normal, but I can’t do that. I don’t think I’ve got enough allowance and snow shovel money to help with the factory-thing. It all seems so bad … so heavy I just want to get out of here. That’s why I’m really talking to you … I guess …

If I open the door, I think I got to tell them how I’m feeling. I don’t think any of us want to feel this way. I know we can’t do anything about all that other stuff, but I do think we can treat each other different: that’s what we can do … you know be a family? I’m scared to tell them about the dark ideas I’m having, but maybe just saying it will help them too? Maybe they can say what’s in their belly – like me? I’m not sure this is a great idea, but I don’t want to run away … I can try, right? I think I can … thanks for listening … talk soon …

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